I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
