That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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