He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
