I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
