I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
