A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
