The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
