When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize