BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home