Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He? As in you personified your dick?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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