I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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