I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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