I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
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your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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