I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
