Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
