i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
