I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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