I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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