When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
