No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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