I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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