not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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