she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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