My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
BRING THE BAGELS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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