someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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