Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
