i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
