I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
do nipples grow back?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
