his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
