sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
