so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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