You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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