found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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