I wanna bring you to show and tell
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
