please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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