the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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