I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
