you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
