He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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