Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
