oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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