I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
