if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
