i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
