My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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