So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
