I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
