You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
