to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
