Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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