Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
