Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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