I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
