there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
