Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
