he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
