i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
