I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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