My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
